Emilia Korczynska

Following the success of my last year’s ’#LinkedIn things of 2022 to retire in 2023’ post, which gave me exactly 1472 new followers - according to people who are counting (my) followers - here are 11 LinkedIn things of ’23 to retire in #2024: 1)) Listing how - even though your house was on fire 3 times this year, your laptop was stolen & scammers cleaned your bank account so you had to work on your Nokia 3310 the whole year, while moonlighting as an Uber driver as the sole breadwinner in your chronically ill family of 13 kids, you managed to hit 7 figures in your solopreneur business, run a triathlon, while also holding a board seat in a Fortune 500 company, and adding 33 new properties to your rental apartment portfolio, but you’re gutted that your side hustle startup failed to invent a cure for brain cancer due to the shortage of VC funding - while I’m crying picking up crisps and my shredded self-esteem off the floor reading 10 variations of the same story every single day. Instead of finishing that one thing I just wanted to do before I learned that apparently, everyone on LinkedIn except me is a superhero. Why, oh why? Well we all know why. But it’s super-annoying. So just stop. 2)) Dramatically declaring you’re going on a “LinkedIn sabbatical/detox/cleanse”, only to share 3 posts per day 2 days later. 3)) Solopreneurs dunking on FT employees. FT employees dunking on solopreneurs. Employers dunking on everyone. Like the term of your contract is suddenly a status symbol, sweet mother of Jesus. 4)) This one’s for the ladies: The endless onslaught of unrelated selfies. I only learned to spell “moisturiser” in my mid-thirties so I really, really can’t beat you to this game. 5)) How you use ChatGPT to do every little thing nobody’s interested in & can do 3 x faster without it. 6)) Dramatically announcing how you’re going to be off for an entire eternity of 3.75 business days you’ve frivolously decided to afford yourself for the first time in 5 years. And how you’ll spend them on gobbling down lashings of pizza (accompanied by your size 0 selfie) with your numerous friends and family. But you will be checking your DMs if it’s *urgent*. And P.S. btw. you’re accepting clients for 2024 - and you have only 2 slots left for your 1:1 discovery call for $297 per hour, and they are filling fast, babe! 7)) Saying that SEO is dead. 8)) Being rude and calling it “positioning”. 9)) Telling everyone you’ve earned my annual salary pre-tax on selling your ebook in 2 weeks, and then asking for free advice/contribution to your next one in DMs, or worse still - a $297 loan because “everybody knows it’s been a hard year”. Would be quite funny if it wasn’t true. 10)) Posting unbacked “stats” and ignoring everyone who’s calling you out in the comments. 11)) The Beckham meme. I *am* being honest. It’s like two months old now and memes have the longevity of a sandwich. To a better tomorrow, fellow LinkedIn kids. 🥂