Templates by Jack Kuveke

Today I graduated from Stanford University Graduate School of Business, here's how I got into the elite school without a college degree:

1. I studied hours a day for 6 months to get a top 1% GMAT score (thank god for Adderall and ZYN)

2. I hustled my way into a top investment banking firm to bolster my resume (Jamie Dimon lost a bet to my dad on the golf course and was forced to pull a couple strings)

3. I volunteered at a homeless shelter even though I feel like they should pull themselves up by their bootstraps

When these strategies failed to get me into Stanford, Harvard, Columbia, and MIT I pulled out my uno reverse card & did the unthinkable:

I donated $750k to each school & within days I received personal phone calls from the deans of every top university in America.

This validation reminded me that I am just as smart & talented as my peers

#mba #entrepreneurship #venturecapital

This is how I’m spending my memorial day instead of catching up on work

God bless America 🇺🇸

Next Wednesday at 2:30PM EST I'm hosting a free webinar to help pre-seed founders raise money 💸

Raising money sucks, but I've helped make it suck less for founders who've raised $100M+

I'll share a couple tactics & offer live Q&A to help you raise money.

These tactics:

- Will help you book more meetings

- Create urgency and momentum in your raise

- Help close your round faster

Sign up here: https://lu.ma/cwkt43fc

#venturecapital #startups #fundraising

I’ve made $4M this year as an Instagram self help guru. Here’s my step by step playbook for how you can do the same:

Step 1: Get abs. No one will take seriously if you’re not ripped, so take the last $58 in your bank account & get planet fitness membership

Step 2: Pick a scam to sell to your audience. It can be drop shipping, vending machines, amazon fulfillment, etc. Your audience will have a collective IQ of 42 so you can really pick anything you want.

Step 3: Hire models to take photos with you & your laptop. Be sure to have a dashboard pulled up showing your followers how much fake money you’re making every week.

Step 4: Sneak into local car dealerships at night, and take photos with expensive cars that aren’t yours.

Step 5: Be more unhinged with every Instagram post. Start wearing insane sunglasses, get a tattoo of a Chinese proverb on your neck, & exclusively wear silk underwear

Final step: Move to either Miami, Dubai, or LA & buy a strip club. This is where you’ll spend your final years before you’re inevitably raided by the IRS.

#startups #entrepreneurship #wisdom

Going viral for telling LinkedIn I smoked crack is my proudest accomplishment

Look at me NOW DAD

I’m sure you most of you uncultured buffoons don’t know this, but in France they don’t pronounce the letter H...

Which means a couple of Baguette loving tech dorks gave their company NO NAME and proceeded to raise a $220M seed round from billionaires and venture capitalists.

If these frog eating cowards can raise $220M for a 1 letter AI startup, then if I name my next startup after the longest word in the dictionary:

‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis’

I guess we’ll raise $9.9B in our first round of funding.

#startups #venturecapital

Go listen to me talk to Nathan Beckord about how I raised a $53M+ crowdfund & $2.3M seed round:

When Nathan hit me up to be on the podcast my first thought was, 'I can't believe I scammed this very legit founder into thinking I'm credible'.

Thankfully it actually turned out to be a good interview, listen here: https://lnkd.in/e5gM_V5n

P.S. I know this photo in the thumbnail isn't me, but I promise I'm actually the idiot getting interviewed <3

#startups #venturecapital #fundraising

I got to the end of a 2-week due diligence process with an AMAZING founder recently, $60k MMR w/ 90%+ retention, but there were some MAJOR red flags...

He helps his kids with math homework after work - instead of helping his sales reps close more deals 🚩

He has a healthy relationship with his wife & never misses a date night - your relationship with your investor comes first 🚩

He volunteers at the soup kitchen on the weekend - never give away your time for free 🚩

Worst of all, he’s saving for his kids' college tuition 🚩

If you haven’t invested your kids' entire college fund in your startup, you don’t have what it takes to be the next Sam Bankman-Fried

Needless to say, Jabroni Capital passed on the deal

#startups #venturecapital